Stinking of cigars the gruff man said, “We break down tomorrow kid.” Joey being distressed looses his heart. Extreme belching from hydraulic rams lift and spin amusement rides. Kids laughing, screaming, running to and from, and yet there is no witness. Joey tilts his head toward his shoulder, and inhales a memory, jasmine. “She told me. She promised me! I will never wash this shirt.”
The holiday ended early. Why? Because her dad said so, that’s why. The cars speeding view remained still. There is only one, precious, FIRST kiss. Claire spies a green and black checked shirt, too tall.
***********
Friday Fictioneers is a compilation of writers from around the world who gather online weekly, guided by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. The challenge? To write a story in 100 words or less based on a new photo prompt. You are welcome to give it a try.
Click HERE to read more stories by the Friday Fictioneers.
This weeks PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll
Living In Eternity 
Lovely
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Neil, thanks for taking the time reading THE HOLIDAY.
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Dear Dan,
A would be love story from two points of view. A lot of back story in this one, I think. My only quibble is the changes from past to present tense that makes it a tad confusing. Otherwise…nicely done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Rochelle, I reviewed The Holiday (3) times. Please point me to confusing tense. BTW, I loved how you included a minimum of (7) characters in A TIME TO LAUGH. Wonderful.
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Dear Dan,
First, thank you for your compliment on A TIME TO LAUGH.
The confusing tense is right at the beginning:
Stinking of cigars the gruff man said, “We break down tomorrow kid.” Distressed, Joey saunters toward the exit. Extreme belching from hydraulic rams lift and spin
Gruff man said…Joey saunters. ..
And while I’m picking nits… Claire spy’s…should be spies. Spy’s would be possessive.
Hope that helps.
Shalom again. 😉
Rochelle
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I would not have picked that out as confusing tense. Possessive Spy’s I should have known. Is it legal to edit after original posting?
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Perfectly legal, Dan. I’ve done it many many times. I’m always open to constructive critique myself. We all typo because pobody’s nerfect.
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I’m sure they will remember it for the rest of their lives.
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I do.
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I had some trouble with this, too, because we start out in Joey’s point of view, present tense, and end up in Claire’s pov, in a sort of flash-back.
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This story is not unfolding how I intended. Boy and girl have their first kiss, then promise to meet the next day. The dad spoils everything by taking the family home a day early. I gotta try harder. Thanks for feedback Christine, you’re the best.
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Thank you. Maybe mediocre’s a better word. 😉
The joy of writing short fiction is that you’re free to play around with it and retell from every angle. Try writing it all from her perspective, then try all from his. Try telling the whole story through Claire as she looks out the back window of the car hoping for a last glance. Have fun and it’ll all come together for you. 🙂
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I enjoyed seeing the two points of view.
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Everyone is seeing two points of view. I may have mono vision. ::smile:: Thanks Dale.
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Well…dang. I was confused upon reading, saw the comments, reread it and then figured I was the dummy
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Now you are just being kind. Your check is in the mail.
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Hah!
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:::smile:::
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Always!
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You never forget your first kiss.
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Every time I see a ferris wheel Irene.
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I like your story, Dan.
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Thanks Ted. It’s good to know we coffee drinkers sick together.
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🙂
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Nice twist at the end!
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Ok, let me see if I’ve got it straight. Young lovers set up an assignation, but the girl has to go home too soon, I feel like there’s another shoe to drop – like she died on the way home or something else traumatic happened to keep them apart forever. It’s just a sense of foreboding at the end. Also, was there a POV shift in the middle? I’m not quite sure where to look.
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I’ve gotten feed back on -The Holiday – It is a simple story. Boy and girl have their first kiss, then promise to meet the next day. The dad spoils everything by taking the family home a day early. I need to work on clarity. BTW thank you so much for checking out – Baby you’re no good.
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