“Five years ago that coffee bar was a liquor store. Do you see the stairs Jeff?”
“Yeah, I see ‘em.”
“There is a tiny closet under the staircase, not tall enough to stand in, but it does have a door.”
“That’s where you lived?” Unaware of his own facial ticks and twitching, Jeff’s question met silence. “I can’t believe it man, how did you do it? How did you get out of this neighborhood?”
“The night of the liquor store holdup, when I was shot. Peace passed through me, from that point on it was one day at a time.”
100 words
**************
Friday Fictioneers is a compilation of writers from around the world who gather online weekly, guided by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. The challenge? To write a story in 100 words or less based on a new photo prompt. Click HERE to read more stories in an online flash fiction anthology by the Friday Fictioneers. This weeks PHOTO PROMPT is from © Sandra Crook
Living In Eternity 
I wonder where they will go from here. I hope its at least freeing for both of them.
Nicely done, Dan.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Moon. ::smile::
LikeLike
Penny, Dale, and Christine gave me some pointers. I made a lot of changes to Chain Breaker. In your comment you mentioned – I hope its at least freeing for both of them. – Your hope of freedom was answered positively for both Jeff and the narrator. I’m glad you did follow the gist of the first Chain Breaker.
LikeLike
This sounds like the ‘seed’ of an intriguing story, but I have a hard time following who says what. You really need a new paragraph for each speaker so we can keep it straight.
The speaker says, “There but for..” in reference to Jeff’s facial twitching, yet the speaker was the one who lived in the tiny closet? Jeff must have been thinking the same thing!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks Christine. I’ll send it back for a rewrite tonight. I like the new paragraph for each speaker idea.
LikeLike
One other thought, where word count matters: drop the adverbs. I found it depressing— extremely not needed. …ticks and involuntary twitching.— involuntary not really needed.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for hanging in here with me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The past month I’ve been impressed with floral, descriptive, stories from other fictioneers. I got way ahead of myself and inserted a bunch of junk, and thought Chain Breaker read with intensity. Silly me.
Thank you for your feedback Christine. You push me with kindness.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Some parts of life are best left in the past. At least they both have survived this far.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lain, thanks for taking the time to check out my FF submissions. Penny, Dale, and Christine gave me some pointers. I made a lot of changes to Chain Breaker. Please give it another once over. BTW,, you were the first to “like” one of my stories.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m afraid I didn’t understand this story. When I checked off who was saying what, it worked out that it was the narrator who had lived in a cupboard and Jeff showing the nervous tics. Which seemed odd. And I don’t see how running away breaks any chains.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Penny,,, I’m going to try rewriting this tonight. I have to much inference in the story. Breaking free from alcohol (bondage) can be referred to as breaking chains.
LikeLike
Penny, thanks for highlighting growth opportunities for me. My goal is to write short succinct paragraphs for my blog. My wife and I will be traveling soon in a camper. Living in Eternity will be a means of keeping in touch with my mom. She thinks my stories are to long. It’s a kick when she shows me her facebook, and instigram posts. At 88 my mom is so hip.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have to agree a little clarity and spacing is needed here. I think I get the gist of it. One lived there and, as a result, or because of the alcohol so easily obtainable, now has facial ticks. The other is his friend…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I had a wonderful scene in my mind Dale. It did not come out my fingers so well. Please check back tomorrow.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel your pain, Dan. There are times where the story is all developed in my head, get to the keyboard and. Nada. You don’t have to do much, ya know… just separate the dialogue, mostly!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dale, I find it so odd how I can read books, stories, and articles and not even notice spacing and new paragraphs. I pretty much figured new quote marks, meant new speaker. Rochelle, Christine, and you are all gifted with the spirit of encouragement. Thank you for hanging in here with me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I find it odd, too 😉. I always figured avid readers are good spellers and know their grammar. Nope. Met a guy, reads a LOT, still can’t spell for s*** 🙄. Guess one cannot assume!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great idea, though.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sandra, I’m discovering how hard it is to be succinct in few words. I’m trying to get away from learning by mistakes, and doing things right the first time. Looks like I am a forever student attending the school of hard knocks.
LikeLike
Great story and a fabulous ending. Its a shame we usually have to have some trauma before we wake up! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m grateful and blessed to HAVE woken up. Thanks for reading Chain Breaker, and the gracious comment.
LikeLike
I like the ending ……. one day at a time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It sounds like Sobriety passed through him that night as well as Peace. 🙂
You’ve definitely improved your tale. It’s not clear which side of the counter he was on during the hold-up, but it doesn’t really need to be. The bullet enlightened him.
This statement puzzles me a bit: Unaware of his own facial ticks and twitching, Jeff’s question met silence.
Are you meaning: Distracted by Jeff’s facial ticks and twitching, I never answered his question?
Reading your comment to Sandra, perhaps I’ll be the one to break the sad news: You CAN’T get away from learning without making mistakes. It’s those big red X’s we remember best. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Jeffs addiction was so severe, Jeff was unaware of his own facial ticks and Twitching. The narrator was letting Jeff answer his own question. I love your guidance Christine.
LikeLike